Can't stop missing Kyle

Think of it like this... If Kyle were still alive and well. He would ba almost 22. I would still not have completly let go. He would be bringing his girlfriend(s) by for meals(I hope). Asking me for money(fo sure), Advice(again I hope) and giving me the most wonderful hugs when I need them the most, like he always did. I would be watching him grow into a man with much pride.
I WOULD STILL BE HOLDING ONTO HIM (but not to tightly so he could grow) He was the first person in this world that I knew loved the real me. So it's OK, no right, to still be missing him and not wanting to let go.

I have edited the journal entry abit as I was typing it here (I have a hard time not editing things everytime I read them)

There is a statement on the page that I am embarrased by and need to look into. I wrote. "Even sick I would have been proud of him"
I went on to say "moreso even"
but what in the hell was the first statement about?
(note to self learn more about paranoid schizophrenia to get over this aversion)

I think this is why I started visual journaling statements like this that I would edit and never think about again. It was a great way (writing on the computer) to go deep but not to deeply. I hide from myself the things I most need to look at. It is like a game of cat and mouse with my subconsious or higher self. I know I want to be healthy and happy again so I refuse to take the easy way out anymore. I will continue to use art to heal old and new wounds, to lift myself higher and higher so that my problems all seem small. I will find my joy.

Blessings Cindy