Finaly the trial seems to be getting here. Kyle died on 03.03.03 and it looks like the trial is set to start 09.19.05. Justice is slow I guess but at least his murder has been in remand almost since he did it. Killing my son broke his probation. All I can say right now is that I am glad this chapter is almost over. because it has dragged on to long.

Cin

peaceful slumber

Emma

rambling

I did not know my son Kyle had been diagnosed with paranoid
schizophrenia until after he was dead. I suspected it and it was me
that got him commited (on my birthday) so that he could be diagnosed.
He never had a chance to tell me , I guess he had not come to terms
with it himself yet. He didn't want us coming to see him in the mental
hospital and I was to preoccupied with the rest of my life to drive
the 1/2 an hour a day to go see him. Looking back I was suffering
from severe depression at the time too. When I finally had my
suspitions proved(at the pre-lim trial for his murderer) I felt
relieved that it was an illness that took him away from me to begin
with (he had been living on the streets on and off for 2 years). I
told my adopted mom(I have 2 moms) about it and she was horrified and
upset saying it wasn't true. I don't understand that attitude but
know it exsists.

I have wanted to help to change peoples ideas of mental illness for a
long time. Many of my friends suffer from mental illness, I myself
suffer from chronic depression even though I have never been diagnosed
with anything. I have a 12 year old daughter now who I hope does not
develope any problems like this. So far so good I think but If she
does I hope the world is a more understanding place for her that is
for sure!! ok well I am going to leave off now this has actually
drained me. lol

Shelf in my studio artwork..."My hand makes mistakes" by Jamiebeth Fox a wonderful artist I met online. Doll "Keith" handmade with no pattern by me. I love how he turned out.

found another face in there.......

mysterious

Well this last posting has amazed me ..........not because of the quality but because I just keep seeing new faces and filling them in. The picture seems to be telling a story of its own and I don't think it is finished yet. Only today I saw the biggest face and only had to draw in the pupil and part of the head to flesh him out enough to see all of the time. I will put this back on the wall for I don't think it is done with me yet. Blessings to all
Cindy

A work in progress......like me this picture has developed without a plan. It started life as a flower and grass smashing.

Can't stop missing Kyle

Think of it like this... If Kyle were still alive and well. He would ba almost 22. I would still not have completly let go. He would be bringing his girlfriend(s) by for meals(I hope). Asking me for money(fo sure), Advice(again I hope) and giving me the most wonderful hugs when I need them the most, like he always did. I would be watching him grow into a man with much pride.
I WOULD STILL BE HOLDING ONTO HIM (but not to tightly so he could grow) He was the first person in this world that I knew loved the real me. So it's OK, no right, to still be missing him and not wanting to let go.

I have edited the journal entry abit as I was typing it here (I have a hard time not editing things everytime I read them)

There is a statement on the page that I am embarrased by and need to look into. I wrote. "Even sick I would have been proud of him"
I went on to say "moreso even"
but what in the hell was the first statement about?
(note to self learn more about paranoid schizophrenia to get over this aversion)

I think this is why I started visual journaling statements like this that I would edit and never think about again. It was a great way (writing on the computer) to go deep but not to deeply. I hide from myself the things I most need to look at. It is like a game of cat and mouse with my subconsious or higher self. I know I want to be healthy and happy again so I refuse to take the easy way out anymore. I will continue to use art to heal old and new wounds, to lift myself higher and higher so that my problems all seem small. I will find my joy.

Blessings Cindy

I Dont have to stop missing Kyle this is an art journal page with spontaneous writing.

You are never alone when you open your eyes to cosmic angels